Mike Smith is our football correspondent with a particular penchant for Heart of Midlothian FC. He occasionally writes about other important matters such as thingwies….

My partner, the delightful M, asked me the other night if I had done anything about the ‘thingwi’ yet. Now anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m the sort of fella who tends to put off today what I could do six months from now. So I tried to narrow down the list of ‘thingwis’ M has asked, nay instructed, me to do to about half a dozen but eventually had to give up.

The ‘thingwi’ in question was whether I had made an appointment with the dentist yet. Somewhat inevitably, I hadn’t but I feel sure many readers of this esteemed publication will agree that trying to fathom out what a woman is thinking or indeed means is something that not even Albert Einstein could manage.

However, I thought I would try and give us poor, downtrodden menfolk a miniscule of a fighting chance by producing a handy guide to some of the differences between men and women.

I’ll start with five terms commonly used by women – along with their real meaning…

FINE – Used by many women to end an argument and it usually means the complete opposite of the common definition of the word. When she uses this word it’s almost certain the time for the fella to shut up.

NOTHING – Again, like fine, when, after a period of silence, you ask a woman what is wrong, the retort of ‘nothing’ definitely means something is badly wrong – if you’re not worried by this stage, you should be.

GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission e.g. ‘I might nip in for quick half on the way home from the office, dear’. The reply can sometimes be combined with ‘fine’ (see above) as in ‘Fine, go ahead’ Best not to, fellas – anyway, the pub is usually busy at that time of night…

WHATEVER – A woman’s way of saying ‘stuff you’ (or words to that effect. Often used in a similar context to Nothing…

THAT’S OKAY – This can be particularly dangerous. If she uses this in response to some grave error of judgement on your part (see ‘go ahead’) then she will be thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

It’s perhaps worth noting the above terms may also be referred to when considering that some words mean completely different things to men and women. For example:

1. THINGWI (thing-wee) n. Female…… Any part under a car’s hood. Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male….. Playing football without your best defender.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family. Male…… Trying not to pick up another woman while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female….. A good movie, concert, play or book. Male….. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. Something to do in bed other than sex.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Am I right or am I wrong? (replies from men only, please…)

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Author of The Team for Me - 50 Years of Following Hearts. Runs Mind Generating Success, a successful therapy practice in Edinburgh. Contact me if you want rid of any unwanted habits. Twitter @Mike1874

1 COMMENT

  1. A very insightful post for both the male and female angle.
    You have a great sense of humour Mike Smith and I never tire of reading your words.

    In other word a FINE piece of writing, NOTHING more to add, so GO AHEAD with WHATEVER your heart desires because THAT’S OKAY with your fans.

    Cheers
    Peggy xxx

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